Actor and Multidisciplinary Artist
Poetry
Because I Am Not A Duckling
Because I am not a duckling
And he’s got the wrong dictionary
I am an alien
A creature
A foreign language
And, oh god, the beauty of being read right.
One
When I say you
are the thing that I want
what I'm saying is
you're the thing I imagine
as if that's enough
as if I know better
than God and all the prophets
than every grain of sand
than an infinite imagination
What I picture
isn't even a grain of sand
if I don't leave room
for all the ways in which
I couldn't plan you.
I Was Ready
This
This is
This is the time you’ve been waiting for
This is where you dreamed of being when you were drowning
When you were losing your mind to monsters
This is
Terror
This is terror!
You are yourself now
Armour stripped away
Stripped away
Sounds forceful
Sounds non-consensual
Shed
The armour’s been shed
Sidenote, though, I like that “consensual” has “sensual” in it
“Con” means “with”
Incidentally, “cum” means “with”, too
“Cum”, pronounced “coom”
But still
Consensual
With sensual
Here’s my favourite game:
Determine etymology without looking anything up!
Con-sensual
Sensual
Sense
French - sentir - to feel
But also
Sentient
Latin?
I guess
Sentient
To know - to understand
Something like that
Yes, one of those words I know in context
Con-sent - with-understanding
Yes
But also
Con-sent
With-sensuality
With-feeling
With-feeling+understanding
Suddenly “shed” doesn’t seem so elegant
You have shed your armour
Most of your skin as well
And you’re bare
Con-sensual-ly
Showing yourself to the world
Here’s a specific thing:
I was standing by a pond full of tadpoles
I was in my bathing suit
Still dressed but ready to strip and wade in
And I have a fear of swimming alone
That’s a fact
Beyond the rational fear
The practical safety
I have a deeper - yes - a phobia
But in that moment here is the fear that gripped me
THE TADPOLES ARE SPERM
THE TADPOLES ARE SPERM AND THEY WILL SWIM INTO ME AND I WILL GET
PREGNANT
The tadpoles, which I rationally know are very decisively not human sperm
Are black and a hundred times
A thousand
I don’t know?
EXPONENTIALLY LARGER than a microscopic human sperm
Because they are TADPOLES
There are PRETEEN FROGS
And while swimming into their swarm might induce a primal childhood squirming instinct
The one thing it decidedly cannot do is impregnate me
But hey
I’m standing ankle-deep in a pond full of tadpoles and having a very minor panic attack
because GOOD GOD PLEASE PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF MY PRIVACY MY
ALONENESS MY PRECIOUS AND HARD-WON SELF THAT I DON’T WANT TO SHARE
WITH ANYONE
ANYONE
ANYONE
ANYONE
ANYONE
This
This
This is what you wanted
Yes
And it is
The peace of being at sea
Present with the sky
Like gold on gold
Like a smile that starts low
Like the satisfaction of search
A child for the first time in my life
Looking at you all
From above
And not afraid
I am safe. I am loved. I am cared for. I see the world like it’s made for me.
What is there to be afraid of?
This
This
This is all mine
And After We Met
It flows
It flows not a moment before
Wake up on the turning of the year
And know this is your sacrament
I saw you in miniature
I saw you first
I saw you an angel
I saw you a child
Bandaged and powdered
And red in the glow of old nights in the old house
Golden, though even then,
I could see the difference
And heard the words they spit away from you
Twice with a bow and arrow
Though the second
Would hit long after the fact
I saw you
And you grew
Your words carried
When others had weight you had light
When others had weight you had light
I see the ice now
Not cold like I imagined
I see it now
Warmth and fire and it’s not a chill just an edge just words I didn’t choose
Maybe a golden glow is silver now
Or platinum
I never really could tell the difference
But we’re all in the dark so it’s the warmth I feel
Listen baby you don’t have to try
Or make yourself anything
I already loved
Your eyelashes
I already loved
Your questions
I already loved
Your fire.
Delayed Gratification
All the years I was not my own
Thinking it was simple
Thinking I was wrong
Kissing girls in laughing circles
Divorced from desire
No one hit me then -
Not like bricks or otherwise
There were things I knew in the shabby house
In the box mirror
In the green water
In the plastic chair
There were things I knew only with the white door closed
When all knowledge was wired to the wall
And I was wired to my chair
Conducting electricity with my body
There were things I knew
I hid in plain sight
Swinging wild, for years
Camouflaged first, then one colour at a time
And clearing the halls
Scare away the boys with a click of my heels
Laugh and mimic the sound of their punishment
(though I still shudder at the sound of wheels)
I slip into my body twenty years too late
Right on time
Soft and sure
And bruised and scarred
The feathers were always white, you know
I see them better now
Know them for what they are
Gates and gods come crashing down
No laces and no lace
And look who I found in the rubble.
Waiting for Sunrise
I saw you clearly
Finally
Finally
As the window glowed grey and brighter
And we, entwined,
Knew ourselves
And knew we were not this mystery
You glow in the darkness
But your darkness shines through
The heart of you
That is not the sun
Not the burning heart
And my head
And my elbows
And my eyes
Spin
I spin
And I know clearly
Finally
Finally
That this is not my home.
In the heart of the morning
A grey, magic heart
There is not part of me lost
I soar in the space that you left
I soar for anyone
Who knows
What I know.
Strong: A Love Story
That night was a curse
And a blessing that I wore
Freedom and rebellion and a stirring storm
A blanket
Of my own making
You moved in the periphery
Cause I can’t look at your straight on
And you took my hand
And I did what I do
Too strong
Did you move in fear
Did you believe it was too
Too
Too
Too much
I was
I felt
Big in my own skin
Big and small at the same time
Caught in the shedding
And trying to crawl back in
We’re crystal now
Just like that
I’d love to make you any other way
Yes
To pick apart stitch by stitch
The bindings we wove
To make us new
And you
Too
Too
Too
Too
Too strong
When red wine made mountains
Around us
And you were in the hills
And I, swinging wild
Exploding with all the colours I didn’t know how to be
Waits For You
Look, I said.
I can’t be sure I’ve been here before.
But I can’t be sure I haven’t.
Everything has changed since the last time round
And this crossroad
The numbers bear out, sure.
Calculations I didn’t plan to do
And anyway
Neon numbers
And laughter in the woods
And
And
And
The song is the same
Play it again
You look different this time
And maybe you are.
Look, I said,
I won’t even be skeptical, see?
I see you
Not whole, perhaps, but a reflection of the angles
Not the angles perhaps
But the pictures and the story
Storytelling tells me enough
For now
So shine those shiny shoes, gorgeous
Laugh in short cruel bursts.
Look, I said
You can push that hair back all you want -
I still know you’re there.
A decade and a twisted path
And that gravel throat sings me to sleep with a warning
That flashes and rings and laughs
And laughs
And laughs
But I laugh too, Tommy
I’ve forgotten her name
She’s no one’s Irish rose this time
And this time, no one’s asking
The beauty of it is, gorgeous,
That this time
I saw the shape of your hands
All on my own.
Sweeping The World
The best and worst
All at once
A hard wind shaking the house
We fall like leaves
We laugh like spring
We look each other in the eye
Alone in the streets
Where it shouldn’t be possible to be alone
These lights were tigers, once
Just days ago, I’m sure
That wasn’t a cry, was it?
This wasn’t cold?
It moves beneath our feet, my love
Can you feel it?
Some will make miracles with this time
And we can’t say what our time is
We all do all we can
And fly when we can
And hold our hearts
Close
Close
Close
Not what I expected, love
Not at all
Not when we were just blooming
Not when we’d only just been reborn
We take what we get, my love
I see you there
Across a room
Up the stairs
Flowers springing from your shoulders
A smile in your eye
Like the devil I know
Like the one who knows
How to laugh the way he loves
I hold you in the dark
We laugh in the dark
And maybe it’s not everything
Maybe it’s not finished
But baby, it’s more than I ever thought to want
Nobody told me
The wanting and the peace were possible
I never thought to ask
So laugh
Laugh
Laugh
And dance with me
In the wind
In the light of the fading world
In the attic in the middle of the night.
Pavilion
Today I love the word “pavilion”
A word that smells green and warm
Humidity dripping on my tongue
If we were children, we’d slip in together
Skip through, holding hands
I’d still hold your hand
In cold dry places.
The Bench
No frame is ever so bright
As the one we sit in
Writing together not looking
Not talking yes
Talking more than we should
Than we planned to
And watching every summer sailor pass
Constructing lives
Through speckled glass
Like maps of our neighbourhood
In reverse
We can’t tell which side is which
When we stare at the rivers
Willing them to reveal the rainstorms that caused them
Observe, you said
And I caught fire
From the grass in our thighs to the words of the stranger
Who stands nearby
And speaks his own symphony
Traintracks
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead and
laugh
Isn’t it funny, now?
Don’t you wonder?
Look at all that sky
Look at all that light
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead and
wonder
Why none of this was here before?
When you tried to dream
When you saw dark
When walls collapsed
When stars shone black
When lights went out
On a bed on the floor
And time snapped back
And bled out hearts
and hands
And no silence and
No noise
Could make that story real
A mannequin came to life
And promises were made
In fire that wouldn’t burn
In fields all around
In people all around
In roots that wouldn’t grow
In beauty
In beauty
I tried
Look, here’s the thing.
On the days I wash my hair -
On alternate thursdays -
I can see the greys gathering at my crown.
I can’t see them the rest of the time -
Hidden in the everyday, in the wild thatch of my hair,
In all this gold I can’t see the silver -
And yeah, I know, I know how saccharine that sounds
But fuck it
They’re the literal colours I’m working with
So sue me
No, here’s the thing -
Yes
Here’s the -
I’m not afraid now
I see it now
All that I didn’t know how to dream of
Let me get old now
God, I pray I get old
Let me be that lucky!
I -
For years -
For all of it -
Looking ahead -
Down the wrong highway -
Picking myself up and trying to insert myself -
And look -
It wasn’t that I thought I’d DIE before I got old
I wasn’t -
I’m not that guy
But -
Look -
Anyway I say this -
It’s not -
Fuck it.
When you’re telling the wrong story, not even you can believe the ending
And I am not a duckling
Too obtuse?
Fuck it.
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead and
Stretch ahead
Into silver and gold
And every colour in between
And walk slow
To go
Where you have always been going.
Wild Horse
Wild horse fighting gently
Kind words
And whispers of fear
Call on me to rain and settle
I will whisper
I will make you moving pictures
Made-up words and feathers
And salt-water and fresh rivers
Dappled in the sun
And laughing in the dark
Wild horse with laughter in your eyes
In your eyelashes
In the fear and in the spirit
Fighting gently
Low voices in both ears
No spinning arrows
As you ride due north.
Moonlight spike
With the moon full
And blood on my lips
We laughed at all the songs we danced to
And danced like we’d always been this young
We were monsters in the dark
And demons in the light
And nothing could hold us back
Under the stairs and behind the velvet curtains
You shone new and strange
You were a beacon
You were leather and light
You were hot hands and wide eyes
Flying high on the night and the black of my smile
I may not have been at home -
But kiss me
And I’ll tell you everything I know about moonlight.
Controlled Burn
Gold rings you circled
Late at night
That first night
The first night you held my hand
In all my love, and all my travels
I am tired of writing about you
The journey’s gone
The heart remains
But the words are dead
I’ll send you on your way to turquoise waves and a better home
What more is there to say?
On bright shining mornings
We put that corpse to rest
Washed it clean
In salt-water and honest prayer
And gave it the last of our love
It is a rare and precious thing, she said
Years ago
About a different fire -
It is a rare and precious thing
To have walked every inch of the road
To have picked up every beautiful stone
Breathed in every moment
And to have walked away whole
Never sated, perhaps
But nothing left behind
So you, with your laughter
And your downturned smile
You with your long fingers
And an unfinished heart
We’ve said every prayer
And watched the credits roll
Fly away through the open window
Find your island
And find your home
Nothing binds
No story left to tell
In a well-burned forest
But what grows from the ashes
Is beautiful, my friend
Is strong
And fresh
And humble
And whole
Remember not to pick the flowers
But remember, always, that they’re yours.
Rust
I walked into the room
That first day
Full of fire
Ready for everything
Ready for the next door
And thinking I was ready for you
And slowly, slowly -
Or if not slowly, gently -
Or if not gently, subtly -
You rained
You rained
And around you everything rusted
Leaching colour
Leaching thought
I am in the dark
Peering round corners
Waiting for the blow
It comes
But never with the force I want
Never with proof
Never enough to make me think it’s over
What bargain did you make for this wide black sky?
I would cast a spell to bring you home
Transport you
Give you shining lights and shiny cities
I would wish it all for you
If it mean you’d fly away
Tethered to a map
A red wheel
And a teardrop
Your blood runs with poison
And you have no home but this curse
I would lift you and wish you flight
Rather than have another high-alert
And a storm-filled eye
Drag me to the bottom of your sea.
Makes Good
I flew in on a spaceship
Landed on cobblestones
And started looking for a life to call home
In the wild lights
And the narrow lanes
We lived
Perhaps not a story
Perhaps not for you
Perhaps an experience
Perhaps a summer
And I wanted summer too
Collecting samples
Collecting lives
Shrugging off skins, one by one, in the autumn damp
Up a hill and down stone steps
And filled the the brim
With potion
With poison
With possibility
It felt possible, then
To be human
To dance round pillars
And reel you in
But even before the book fell open
And landed on the right page
Deep knowledge from my body told me
We could peel
And peel
And peel
Back every layer
And never reach that core
But lord, we could try
Dance into corners and shapes and dark
Tell you the history of your world
Until your eyes shine
And you nearly forget
About home.